Board Thread:Season 55 - Nakuru/@comment-33060993-20191025010641/@comment-24277959-20191026160251

Hello Nora,

Nice Azula picture but Zuko is better sry.

I have a lot to get through in your speech and it’s more than likely going to get messy and emotional but I want to leave no stone unturned and cover literally everything. I know I burned a lot of jurors in this game but I agree with what you said in that things became haziest between us. I had to put this mask on game-wise to you but I’m dropping it once and for all and telling you my truth, and I hope we can resolve everything as soon as we can. I also want to say it truly means a lot to me that you still gave me credit and said the nice things you said despite how things turned out between us. So I’m going to address any point/question you had and provide my response.

“'''I woke up yesterday, after the results of FIC, I thought I have heard all the lies and shit you said about me after talking to all the jurors for days and guess what? I heard and discovered a new lie who really shocked me. Before hearing that, despite all that had happened, I was willing to give you my vote, but after hearing that 125642-th shit, I wanna take a seat, list all the things I want you to clear out and hear what you gonna say about them'''”

I don’t know exactly what you’re referring to here so if I may ask could you please elaborate? If it sounds as serious as it is I really want to know what it is and clarify it instead of leaving it as a mystery.

“THE CALL OF LIES AND FAKE PROMISES”

So this is a part I want to finally tell you my truth on and take accountability for, because I had to tiptoe around this to you in the past but you deserve to hear my truth.

You and Chris were both my closest allies at the start of the game, a 1A and 1B if you will, but I ultimately decided to roll with Chris for a variety of reasons. It was never a doubt of loyalty with either of you, but instead, I saw Chris as a potential shield for me and also his connections lined up with me more so than yours. In terms of, you were incredibly close with Will, and I wasn’t as close of course, so within that trio of us I would be the odd man out, and of course you both wanted to take out Chris as soon as F8. I wanted to keep all winners in for as long as possible, but I knew I couldn’t exactly do that because that would’ve just confirmed your suspicions of winners being incredibly tight. The last reason too was actually the boot list in a way, because while of course I was in the final 3 within your boot list, it both amazed yet scared me how far ahead you were thinking of your plans. I would either had to have gone along with it, and paint you as the mastermind, or eventually break off from it, which I did.

I know all of that sounds completely unrelated but I explained what I did just now because I am admitting that, yes, I ultimately did tell Chris the boot list and score swap, because I knew I was going to have to make a choice between you and him and I liked my odds better with him. But this is where the confusing part comes in, I actually hope Chris is able to read this and clarify if he could.

Things got really blurry because when you confronted me saying that I told Chris about your score swap, I asked him about that and he swore up and down that he never told you that I told him about the score swap. Now before that, he did tell me he told you that he heard that he was next on the ‘boot list’. Obviously, you hearing the exact words ‘boot list’ incriminated me and I take accountability for that. Chris apologized to me about saying those two exact specific words to you, and I did give him the benefit of the doubt that it may have been an accident, but I also wouldn’t have been surprised if he let it leak on purpose to create the wedge between us and keep the target off him? I still don’t know and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was either or.

But carrying off of that, the reason I so boldly denied telling Chris the score swap to you, even though I did, was because Chris and I were close and he was swearing to me that he never told you I told him about your score swap, and that it was the other way around and that you told him. Then I hear from him that you told him that I was the one pushing hardest for him to go at F8, which wasn’t true. It almost felt like we were all bs’ing each other in a way.

So yes, I did tell Chris both the score swap and the boot list, but I denied the score swap hardcore to protect Chris in a way. I don’t know if he told you the score swap and he was lying to me, but regardless of that I am ultimately admitting that yes I did tell him all of that. And I know that’s fucked up because I obviously was acting insanely hurt by your lies while I was lying to you myself. My thought process behind that was the following. Obviously I had to lie to you with the Will vote, but I made that move with the expectation that I could do damage control with you and potentially work together again. As I said in my speeches, I never want to let one round define how the rest of the game goes, and as you see, I was able to do damage control with Nicole and make up, so much to the extent that we’re in the final 2 together. So, in a way, I thought my lie wasn’t on such a big scale because I still wanted to keep you in the game, do damage control, etc, and that I just had to cover up for Chris, while on the other hand, I saw your lie about promising me I was okay and that you wouldn’t score swap with me as extremely damaging and hurtful because you wanted to target me and take me out of the game for good.

Basically, I saw one lie as more impactful than the other, one had the intention of directly voting me out, while the other had the intention of withholding information and protecting a close ally. I understand that’s not exactly fair to you because a lie is still a lie in the first place, but that’s to explain from my end why I felt so strongly about you wanting me gone. It’s like, I was lying but still wanted to potentially keep you in, while you lying was a direct charge to take me out. That brings me to the next point though about why I was extremely emotional and called the situation toxic, because it wasn’t just about you targeting me, but rather something past that which I’ll get to.

Before I get into that and if I could ask, who was this ‘safe source’ that told you I leaked the score swap to Chris? Because from the top of my memory, I only ever told the score swap to Chris and Nicole, but they’ve both denied to me telling you about the score swap.

“Evan, why did you feel the need to make me feel bad so I would stop going after you by bringing up to me in some of your paragraphs some part of “the most toxic times in your life”( you mentioned a “dark time where you had to be bystander” / Why did you feel the need to make me feel so bad so I stop going after you by telling me I was making the game TOXIC for you and the most toxic between all your 4 Main Orgs seasons you said only by campaigning against you?? EVAN THIS IS A GAME WHERE YOU HAVE TO TARGET PEOPLE, Why would it be toxic if I target you? WHY? You knew how much sensitive I am as a person. You knew that telling me that would touch and make me feel bad because on a personal level, you know how much I care about you. Why did you manipulate me with personal stuff and by my sensitive nature to make me give up on targeting you? WHY?”

Okay, so this one might be a little damaging to hear but I want to confirm to you again, I didn’t call the final 8 round toxic strictly because you lied to me about the score swap and targeted me. Not once in my 4 times in main org, or however fuck else many times I played in 703/BAR, have I ever called someone toxic for just wanting me out, and I have no intention on changing that viewpoint now.

What made me so emotionally reactive and call the situation toxic was from the night of the results, and finding out my immunity was swapped. It was not long after that, that I had heard from almost the entire cast, that you were targeting me, and you were pushing insanely hard in your campaign. Yet as that was going down, you messaged me an hour after immunity results and said,

“U don’t talk to me at all abt the vote”.

Which to me was hurtful, because while you were campaigning to everyone else to get me out, you were pretending as if we still had a strategy or discussion to make about the vote. I had to bottle that up before a couple hours later saying to forget about calling, I know what you’re trying to do in getting me out, and that it’s okay and that I WON’T GET PERSONAL, it’s Survivor aka a game where we have to do what we have to do. At that point, I knew you were after me and I didn’t want to confront or fight you about that, and instead wanted to disengage and let the best player win. But after that, you said

“Please if even once I had value in your eyes lets talk and get on call”.

You called me exactly 4 times in a row, to which I obviously didn’t pick up. That moment was the breaking point for me. Because as you were directly targeting me, and campaigning to send me home to 5 other players, you then still wanted to call me while asking if I had any value in your eyes. To me, I didn’t understand the intention of that at all, and what would be the point of a call when you already badly wanted me to go. When you add the part about you asking if you had any value in my eyes, was when I was set off and got into a pretty emotionally volatile state. It’s like, on one end I wanted to just stay quiet and campaign to fight for my life in the game, but on the other hand I was having my morals taken into question for not wanting to go on a call with the very person that was targeting me and wanting to send me home.

So Nora, that’s why I felt so negatively and called the entire situation toxic. It wasn’t just about the score swap and boot list, and me lying to you about that, or you then lying after that and wanting to target me. It was the fact that you were questioning what value you had in my eyes at the same exact moment you were targeting me to the whole cast. That’s what made me react so poorly and made me lose my composure. I understand that maybe in the call you wanted to clear the air or be honest with me, but to me I was in way too negative of a mindset to see any potential positives from calling you at that time when I had heard from everyone you were campaigning to vote me out.

I also want to say that not once did I ever have the intention of wanting you to stop targeting me because I called the situation toxic. Yes, I absolutely felt negatively about the situation, but I never once directly told you, Nora, please stop targeting me because of it. I can understand if my tone and how down I was about it that it made you want to stop targeting me, but I’m swearing now with everything I have that I would never willingly WANT someone to stop targeting me in an online survivor game simply because I was down in the dumps emotionally.

I want to apologize to you if you had good intentions on the call, but I also hope you can understand why I felt so negatively about it in the first place given the situation at the time. I’m also sorry I could never confront you fully about the situation we had while we were both still in the game. It’s just that for me, when we’re actively in a game that is so strongly centered around trying to outplay your competition and lying and manipulating, that the lines between game and personal would get so blurred given the situation we were in. It’s like, I felt that since we were already lying to each other from a game perspective, and the issue at hand was a personal thing, that talking that through could’ve gotten really ugly and I didn’t want it to get worse.. and that’s ultimately why I had to distance myself from you, and spin it for the better for my own game. And I understand if that was cowardly on my part and incredibly fucked up. I take responsibility and blame on my end for how this all turned out, I just want to enforce again that I was not upset with you about the score swap/boot list situation, but again that I was upset about the call you wanted to make and the words you said with it. That brings me into the next part of your questions.

“'''Evan, tell me, in a scale of 1 to 10, what number express the most the hate you feel toward me? You can pick 11 or 15 if you feel that’s the correct pick. I just want a number. Also I talked to every juror about this to have their opinions, each of them gave me an approximate number of how you hate me based on you trash talking me to them so if you lie about the number you gonna say, I will know.'''”

I have no reason to lie right now and I will say that the most hate I ever felt you on a scale of 1 to 10, was yes at a 10 during the whole final 8 round. That was the peak and after that it toned down when I had to keep my distance.

“ '''Evan, the game is meant to be fun; do you think I had fun after all you did against me? I would have totally understood if it was just targeting me like I did to you during some rounds, but the fact that you did so many shit to weaken me is just beyond my understanding'''”

While I truly want to believe you’re going to be able to walk away from this season with more good than bad, I want to take full accountability and say that because of how things turned out that I am very well a large reason why you didn’t have fun toward the end of the game.

Since I covered what exactly set me off in the first place, I also want to build off that and explain why this vendetta I had against you had to continue in a way. I really had a hope that we could sort of keep our distance from one another, which we did, but as we all know people talk and we hear things the other say. I again take responsibility for having to push this agenda against you to everyone else as my way of keeping me in the game, and I understand how that made the game unenjoyable for you, and I can’t apologize enough for that. A reason why I kept feeling so strongly past the final 8 vote, is that I had heard during the final 7/Natalia vote from Nicole that you wanted her to idol me out and that you were still targeting me. To me, the situation just kept growing more frustrating because it felt like even though there was a mutual belief that we were against each other, you still asked me for information, about votes, etc. when I felt we already had our own allies to know that type of information at that point. I want to admit that I let that frustration continue to grow and grow, to the point where I took extra steps in expressing myself against you to other players.

I want to reinforce that while I had all these emotions against you toward the end of the game, I again had to play up to them because in the big picture, I knew there would be a time and place to talk things out and explain everything, whether it be now or after the season. But that again, in order to have best positioned me in the game, I had to convince everyone I wanted nothing to do with you, and I understand how creating that rift made this game unenjoyable for you to play. While I obviously had to go back on my word to others in this game, it was to its largest extent with you, and the only thing I can ask for at this point is for you to both understand where the origin of it came from, i.e. the final 8 vote and the attempted calls, and also the game reasons on why I had to exaggerate my vendetta after that. I 100% know it’s not my place to tell you how to feel, I’m asking you to understand not to invalidate your feelings, but instead to express mine and for you to see why I did what I did from my own shoes. I hurt you badly and take responsibility for that, but also hope this entire speech can clear things up as much as they can.

“I assumed you had turn on me since few rounds ago before F9 but I didn’t know until few days in ponderosa that you have started trashtalking me and planning my demise since F10 :O Yeah i heard that.”

Just to cover this one quickly, something I keep hearing in your speech is you heard this or that from someone but don’t exactly clarify from who, so if I can ask for this one as well, who did this come from? But to answer this from my perspective, I never was trash talking you at final 10, this was the round of the Alex vote where we were still close allies, and I was gone for most of that round at the Florida Auburn game anyways..? And when you say planning your demise, if by you mean voting you out, I confidently will say that that isn’t true, I had never wanted to target you at that round, and that even when I had to decide between you and Chris, you were never a target - Will was, not you. So I would really like to hear who this was from and what exactly I said at F10 because that was literally was the merge round I was involved least in in being immune and being away the day of the vote.

“You sending me pictures of your foods and particularly your family especially that round and scheming against me was that done purposely?” “Was it really necessary to do all of that?” “'''I would have never sent you a picture of my family to blindside you the round after like you did. Well, once again, that’s probably what separates you and me, me as a loser and juror and you as a finalist. I was not ready to do everything to advance in the game. Should I praise your “determination” or see something else?'''"

I had to scroll back in our message for this one, I know I spent a lot of this speech, 3000 words plus so far, but Nora, I’m going to stand my ground on this one.

You’re saying that I voluntarily sent pictures of my family and that I used that as a manipulation tactic against you and I could not disagree more. Because one, I was still aligned with you at Final 10, and that was the round I said I was gone for most of it for a football game. But two, I know for a fact that you asked me for a picture of my family, you said you were going to log off and said “Don’t forget the pic haha”, so this was NOT something I did VOLUNTARILY and would NEVER use as a manipulation tactic.

I did not swear on my family nor would I ever in this game, I did not do that to one person ever in all my time here. As for sending pictures of food.. I think that’s just something casual..? I also casually sent pictures of my food to Natalia and Nicole to show them what I was up to or what I was eating. You also said I called you queen as if it was a manipulation tactic, it was most certainly not, I did not just start calling you queen up until F10, I called you that in many of the rounds before when I searched my message history. I also called other players in this game ‘queen’ ironically and unironically.

I really would like to ask if this is something you can clarify or expand on to me, because yes while I do believe I have the ability to manipulate from a game perspective, I never manipulated in terms of sending pictures of my food or family or calling you queen and I firmly am standing my ground with that stance. Also, when I was talking about my ‘determination’, I was not correlating that with my ability to manipulate in this game, but rather how I was able to perform in challenges when I needed to win them, just to clear that up. -- This was a lot to write up and I’m sorry I couldn’t get into this last night but I figured it was going to take me a while to type and I wanted to do in the morning when I had a clear mind and focus. I hope this clarifies as much as I possibly could Nora, as you can see there are both things I want to express remorse on but also things I want to stand my ground on. I understand I burned you badly in this game, but as I said at the start of my speech, I want to leave no stone unturned and cover everything I can. No matter what happened I don’t want that to take away from the relationship we formed up until F9. I hope this can be the first big step into getting back to that, and I wholeheartedly want to put everything that happened in the past because as I said, Survivor game is a cruel and shitty game that makes us do things we're not proud of, and I can admit for losing sight of that. Thank you again for the kind words you did say in your speech, and for your time.

Also no Spencer still does not suck