Board Thread:Season 12 - All-Stars/@comment-4190137-20140202114704/@comment-11497002-20140203081243

''Bad news everyone. Amir was originally going to be roasting the jury but he had to pull out. Apparently I was the best replacement they could find.''

Hey everyone, it’s your favourite All-Star player!!



















Oh wait, your second favourite….

Okay no, it’s just me. Ben.







<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Yeah I know everyone’s just been pissing themselves with excitement to read my roast and I just hope I can reach the dizzying expectations everyone has of me. As one of the top 24 players of this season I’m sure I won’t disappoint.

<p class="MsoNormal">What can I say about Rob C? The greatest player never to win? More like the biggest loser to never win!! Oh wait, we’re not roasting Rob C? Ah, I see. This is a completely original challenge and unrelated to any other coincidentally-timed roasts.

<p class="MsoNormal">So, to my little jury peeps, sorry in advance if I offend you but hopefully this will all be over faster than Hickman’s time in this game. I don’t really want to insult you to your face but I guess it gives me a break from doing it behind your back. It almost seems a waste of time for me to roast you. It’d be quicker to just link you to the season placements because really the most insulting thing is that I outlasted all of you. Like, how do you justify that? “Oh yeah, I’m pretty happy with how I did but Ben did better”. Embarassment. So it is kind of awkward me having to roast you. It’s like asking a cripple to make fun of someone with a broken leg. But like our favourite cripple Kelly Bruno, let’s hop to it.

<p class="MsoNormal">Now, I’m not saying you guys played badly but Rupert builds shelters better than you guys played.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Hawk spells better than you played.

<p class="MsoNormal">Dan Barry tans better than you played.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Kourtney Moon listens to instructions better than you played.

<p class="MsoNormal">Brett grows facial hair better than you played.

<p class="MsoNormal">Keith cooks rice better than you played.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Dawn controls her emotions better than you played.

<p class="MsoNormal">Courtney Marit’s apartment is better than your gameplay.

<p class="MsoNormal">Jenna Lewis makes better film choices than you make strategic choices.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Amber’s confessionals are more interesting than you.

<p class="MsoNormal">Ralph has a better grasp of the English language than you guys have a grasp of this game.

<p class="MsoNormal">If Hope were on the jury, she’d be the prettiest.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Sugar has a better chance of making the next Blood vs Water season with her dad than you guys had of winning.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">I jest. I jest. You guys actually did very well to make it as far as you did. It’s just that when you get outlasted by the

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">of the season, you have to ask yourself was it worth it?

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">And I honestly do feel bad about this whole roasting experience. You’ve already endured so much. I mean, you had to sit through Adam’s attempts at humour.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">The great thing about this All-Stars season is that we’re all fabulous. It’s just that some are more fabulous than others. So at the end of the day, you’re pretty fabulous but you’re still the Michelles to my Beyoncé.

<p class="MsoNormal">me strutting my way to final 8:

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">you guys falling just that little bit short:

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Hey, at least you outlasted Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

<p class="MsoNormal">Too soon?

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">So in summation:

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">