Board Thread:Season 37 - Archetypes/@comment-24603302-20161211235421/@comment-24114312-20161212003937

Thank you for this speech, it honestly feels like a well needed wake up call and I can see why everyone’s mad at me now. Before this, I never really got it (which is probably stupid on my part) but I definitely do now.

Firstly I just want to apologise for you calling you bitter too. The reason I said that was because you had told me that you could never vote me because of emotional reasons, but I should’ve seen that it was just based on heat of the moment anger and sadness and so I do apologise for that.

The thing I told you was after Ash went and it was definitely not to get ahead in the game. It was because we had bonded so much over this game and at that point in time, I really wanted to go to the end with you, and I would never sell my secrets like that to advance in the game. It saddens me that a moment which was so warm between us kinda feels tainted now but I definitely promise you that it was not to advance like, even if you don’t vote me then please just know that.

For the campaigning aspect of it, it was definitely not false hope when I went to sleep on it. I genuinely thought about it the ENTIRE day and wrestled back and forth with it, with one side being emotional and saying I should go to FTC with my friend and the other saying that I should be strategic and go with the vote which made the most strategic sense. I was still wrestling back and forth on whether I made the right choice until Alexa went. The reason I ignored you was because I knew that if I spoke to you, I would easily be convinced to do something that was against my best interests due to our relationship and friendship and your skills as a spokesperson. In the back of my mind, I knew that if I wanted a chance to win then I had to vote you off and speaking to you made it so much harder for me and I thought selfishly and decided to ignore it instead of just being upfront. I’m sitting here writing this and having a moment of self-realisation, and yeah I was kind of a bitch this game? I shouldn’t have ignored you or been a bitch to many people; I’m sorry for not speaking to you more during the 24 hour period, it was a selfish mistake for my emotions which didn’t factor yours in and yeah, I’m sorry.

The self-isolation was definitely one of my major mistakes throughout the game which I was planning on addressing in Claire’s question before I felt compelled to reply to this one first. I did play the victim and victimised myself a lot, I think it stemmed from early days on Hizoku when I felt like I never really caught a break, it reached a point where I’d subconsciously written that was my narrative and even when I was given a break, I prevented myself from utilising it. Thus, people were constantly against me because I then never gave them a chance to not be against me and basically alienated them. Writing this I legit wish I could redo my whole original speech, because if I could do it now I’d add an apology to Ash/Alexa. I’d written this narrative where I was the victim and they were the evil trying to get me out, but it definitely reached a point where the roles reserved and I became the bitchy one in the wrong. I’m a very sensitive person and I responded to the early days of Hizoku with Alexa and then the swap situation with Ash very very negatively and created many issues for myself, then took it out on Charley when she did nothing and yeah, I was in the wrong.

For the Alexa vote and the pleading, that ties back to me contemplating whether I’d made the right move in regards to voting you out. I for sure thought Alexa could get the votes to get me out and for a lot of that vote, I actually thought I was going (I’m also quite paranoid as a player so… that didn’t help) so when I was pleading it was an effort for me to see if she would switch her vote so that Jared would go incase she did have majority. I apologise it came off like I was being entitled, I genuinely didn’t mean for it to come off like that but I think I might need to inspect myself after this season and some of my traits because I’ve been realising for a few months now that some of them are pretty ugly.

There’s not really much else I can say in regards to my entitled attitude because I think it was there throughout the game and it’s an ugly trait to have. I apologise for that as well, I think it’s a trait that I’ll need to work hard to get rid of because it’s been something that’s been noticed in all 4 of my main ORG experiences so I don’t think it’ll go away that easy. I think I know why I have it but I’d rather not publish it for the whole ORG to see lol. I am sorry that I came across that way.

I was supposed to sleep 30 mins ago but felt such a strong reaction to this that I had to reply. I’m gonna sleep and will respond to Claire’s and Charley’s tomorrow. I think this speech was kind of a wake up call and just wanna say sorry to everyone and that even if I lose, infant especially if I lose, I’d really like to talk to each juror individually after the season and apologise because I just realised I was in the wrong for most situations and I’ll definitely address that in Claire’s too tomorrow.