Board Thread:Season 29 - Azerbaijan/@comment-4975295-20151120005038/@comment-26725365-20151120012010

Clifford: You've been called a threat multiple times. Do you think you could be going tonight?

 Jeff. I'm going to try to say this without getting too emotional. But I play these games for a very specific reason. Those who don't know, it was joining the ORG community that was the genesis of my sobriety. I turned to these games instead. When I would drink, I felt like a failure, I looked at all the things in my life I didn't accomplish and the sad look on my wife's face and knew life wasn't the life I painted for myself as a child. I'm sure if you dig through my mother's crawlspace you'll find an old box with a photo of my future. It has me, ten-stories-tall, eating the sun while astronauts and military tanks and those scary snakes from Beetlejuice all tried taking me down.

 As a child, I had some sick thought in my head, that the world was mine. Grow up and you learn very quickly this isn't true. You're not invincible. In fact, you're the opposite. You're a pain sponge. And every new, painful experience, sinks deeper in that sponge. And you just carry it with you.

 Coming into this game I carried the baggage of two facts: That I won my first Survivor ORG. And the second fact that I won my second ORG, a Big Brother game this time. But before both of those games...I brought that sponge.

 To think of how far I've gotten...with all the odds against me...and the biggest target on my back from the very moment we started this game...and to be here at Final 6? Where I could be days or minutes away from seeing my torch snuffed?

 It's killing me and I had no idea it would have this kind of effect on me. I played so hard. I played for me. For my alliance. I raged against great rivals and dismantled cunning strategists. I've found and played idols like it was my day job. I deflected my own blindside. I've tried, and tried, and tried, and tried...and I don't want to call myself a failure if I don't reach that Final Tribal Council. But why do I feel like one, Jeff? Why is it, as I sit here, typing on my computer with tears welled up in my eyes and my wife saying, "Babe, it's just a game." Why do I care so much?

 If I'm not gone now, it's soon. And I won't stop fighting but I have to hold onto some words of wisdom I received from a friend in the game who told me to be so proud. Proud of what I have contributed to this season and understand that it's brought joy to others seeing such a great season play out.

 Maybe after all is said and done, with a win or without it, I can finally let go on whatever desire it is that makes me crave the "win".

 Everyone must be rolling their eyes right now but I  really mean it. I play one-game-at-a-time for a reason so I can put myself fully into the game and the story and immerse myself in the experience.

 This is the end of my trilogy.

 Started on Johnny's ORG in Sri Lanka.

 Then the Big Brother House in Big Brother ORG 3.

 Now here...in Azerbaijan.

 I don't know how my story is going to end.... but I hope it doesn't end tonight.

 (apologies for formatting issues)

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